In fact I used to pride myself on that.
But it seems quarter mid-life crisis came early and I am beginning to realize that the adulthood I once wished for in my prepubescent years, was just a glamorous world that is as much a fantasy as the prince charming in Sleeping Beauty—No kiss has the power to bring back life, You’re welcome.
I always wondered and had these little talks in my head, when people spoke about crying after a break-up or that school got “too stressful” and they broke down in tears! Or even the moments of despair when they watch a movie and their favourite character died—Are you like that as well? These were alien experiences to me and definitely not a regular occurrence.
If I am being totally honest though, regardless of the pride I took in my non-existential crying —which I was aware was a part of humanity that was lost on me—I did sometimes feel a pang of jealousy but nevertheless it was fleeting and far in between.
Now don’t get me wrong, I did have my tearful moments—like the one Kim is having above—but they were the hot meaningful kind that no human being missed out on. There was the time my favourite Aunty passed away and I found out on my Facebook timeline, and the time something hurtful happened to my Mum and I wept for her pain. And the shocker of them all to me was the one time I cried because of a break up. It was a year after my break up with an ex and I was reminded of him which ended up with me curled up in my dorm room with tears streaming down my face. I have to say in that moment I did feel I was like everybody else.
Well I say all these to say that I have turned into someone I don’t recognize and quite frankly I’m not sure how to deal with. I am now Meera the crier! Lately I find myself crying for reasons that are a bit lame and absurd. Like words hurt me more than they used to and I find myself bawling after watching a sad movie. There are other times when I start thinking about certain things and I find myself delving into these black hole of pain and the tears just start falling. They look like the ones below….
Now for someone who was never this way before I am just at a loss as Elena is,I cannot seem to comprehend this change and I keep asking myself, “Why am I crying.?” The only logic I have come up with is that I have grown up and I am no longer the little girl I used to be who was naive and knew no pain. In the last few years I have gone through a lot of life experiences that well….
The latest one was last night when I remembered something my dad said to me earlier in the week, we were reminiscing about my childhood and he was telling me about how cheeky I was and I had a lot of confidence. He spoke about how in nursery school, I used to walk up to the front of the class and demand that the teacher give me the chalk because I was gonna teach the class. And how when people came over to our house I run to the door and ask in an authoritative voice who it was. Now this little girl still lives inside of me but now there are other aspects of me that sometimes overshadows her and some are insecurities, anxiety and a few negative emotions. Just thinking about all of that made me start crying and it hurt….
One good thing about this new change in me is that every time I cry, I have this moment when nothing feels right but then a short while later something happens or I receive a message or a phone call, which makes me realize that all of these is in my head and that everything will be okay and I will be fine because there are people who love me, care for me & have my back.
This usually lasts until the next time the tears come.
I never knew how a phone call or a text from someone can mean a lot to me. It made me think about how many people wait for this kind of relief and how just showing someone you love them and care about them can mean a lot to them. Well I try to call and text friends and family as much as I can and I have started paying more attention to people I meet out and about, because a simple conversation I have learnt goes a long way…
I am not sure why I started writing this, but now that I’m done sorta, I would like to ask if anyone can relate to this and if there’s any explanation you have as to why this is all that it is. I will really appreciate your help.